The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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