My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
