I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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