just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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