I puked a lego.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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