My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
