Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
