That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
