he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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