I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize