you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
