First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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