It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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