you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
