I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
