so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish they made helmets for livers.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
