Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
