Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
