and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
