my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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