forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
