I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
