Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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