My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
