How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
