she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Mom said you looked used
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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