For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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