awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
