my mouth tastes like poor choices
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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