Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
