Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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