good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
