K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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