so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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