Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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