I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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