Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
And my parents said I crawled through the house
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
