Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
