3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
