masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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