All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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