Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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