can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
