I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
