The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize