My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
