from now on my penis is your penis
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
