if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
