If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
