Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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