in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
