oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
