I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
