i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
