i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize