I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
