I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
