FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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