My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
