my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
