So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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