Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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