Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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