finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
